There are many times in life when you’ll be challenged. I think there are a few times when a similar challenge will pop up, if it’s a lesson the universe, God, whoever you believe in, is trying to reinforce. Your #1 lesson so to speak. For me I’ve had the same challenge since childhood: giving too much of myself to friends, loved ones, those I respected most. Now I don’t just mean being a “doormat” but giving the other person too much power. (Which I guess you could call that being a doormat but I find them a bit different.) The power in this case is so remote, it’s hundreds or thousands of miles away at times, still dictating what I do from day to day.
I think a lot of women struggle with this as we never want to be the girl who is “out” or who others don’t like. However, all you’re doing by trying to be everyones friend and make sure that everyone else is happy is sacrificing yourself. Here are a couple of “secrets” I’ve finally learned about these kind of relationships: there is sacrifice, on both sides, we call it compromise now days. But tomato, tomahto. It’s a two way street. Here’s the other big lesson it’s about respect, respecting yourself enough to be able to communicate what your needs are and be respectful enough to listen to and honor the other person’s needs.
If you cannot communicate your needs though, you cannot hold it over the other person’s head. This is where women fall into this trap. We spend our time playing out both sides of the relationship and feeling guilty for not reading the other person’s mind. More accurately feeling guilty for what we think we see in that other mind. (Note: there’s no way to know what’s in there, we haven’t developed that power quite yet.) Or worse we know what their silence means and are dictating our lives by their silence. When in reality, there comes a time when if they can’t respect themselves and the relationship enough to vocalize their issue(s), it’s not your responsibility.
You can broach the subject, try to solve the issue but there does come a time when you can no longer continue to attempt to fix things alone, again the two way street needs to be respected and realized.
Eventually, there is nothing more than you can do but continue to send them love and be open to positive change. You cannot change who you are or your path in life, you cannot change their feelings or responses. All you can do is remain true to yourself and let it all flow, knowing the universe will be there in the end.
This has been my number one lesson, and I’m sure I’ve not yet unearthed all of this learning but I’m gaining more understanding of how this plays out for me daily; in all of the many different relationships I’m engaged in on a daily basis. Finding the balance between supporting the other and supporting myself. All this happening under a cloud of daily tasks and to-do lists, of meetings and nights out and extracurricular activities. All one can do is keep track and keep on being honest with yourself and those in your life.
Yay for continuing big life lessons, let’s keep them coming.