Wow, so I’ve tapped back into it and it’s flipping fantastic. I’m writing like a mad women right now and it’s the most freeing thing I’ve done in a long time. I feel like I’m back on top of that mountain.
I’m a believer in a greater energy/power that we can choose to tap into if we want or we can choose to let our egos and the culture we live in run and define us. In the last week or so I’ve been quite focused on jiving with this energy and have been doing a lot of the self care things that I love so much. Meditating, playing piano, writing, just existing without trying to push things and it’s amazing how quickly it makes a change in life.
As you will find out soon (another blog later this week) music is a big part of my life. When I’m really in connection with myself there’s always music going. It’s actually one of the ways I knew things were off with myself a year or so back (and longer) because I wasn’t as looped into music as I had been. I wasn’t drawing energy from it like I typically do. In starting this new way of life for myself and focusing on feeding myself, music has taken up it’s place by my side again.
Today a beautiful thing happened, I connected with a new song. Well it’s an old song; new to me. And it did my favorite things that important songs do, it hit me like a train. As lyric after lyric unfolded I just kept nodding “yes” “this is it” my heart said. (Lucky for me I have the day off work so I can quickly write this blog while I’m still in the moment.)
In the past 5 months or so I’ve been single again, after a tough but necessary choice. I felt guilt for how I felt after I decided to leave and especially after I told him I needed to leave. But I knew what I needed, I needed to be free. Not that I was in chains with him but the way I hold relationships often puts me in a self-imposed cage. (You may hear more about this through another communication vehicle in the future.)
So today this song comes on and as it unfolds it hitches itself to my heart. It sums up exactly what I’m struggling with and the way I’m living life. The serial monogamist that wants nothing more than to be free. I love the connection of relationships, I love learning from people and sharing life experiences and just the act of being in a relationship. But without fail almost every time I’ve gotten into a relationship there’s been a phase where I want nothing but to get out. I know that something’s missing, this isn’t the man I want to spend my life with after all, even if I said it was. Then I leave.
Joni’s song, Cactus Tree, perfectly encapsulates this back and forth. The beauty of her lyrics talking about these men she’s had the joy of being with but ultimately knowing “she’s busy being free” damn. Yup that’s it. I hope that one day I’ll be able to be free with someone, holler from mountain top to mountain top to each other and share the freedom of life and being together. Until then, I’ll enjoy Joni’s song and take solace in the fact that I can live in the in between. I can enjoy my singlehood and still love the aspects of connecting with people, even attempt a romantic connection from time to time as long as I’m defining my needs and not forgetting that more than anything: I need to be free and be me.
I’ll leave you with my favorite verse, and of course the full song below.
There’s a man who sends her medals
He is bleeding from the war
There’s a jouster and a jester and a man who owns a store
There’s a drummer and a dreamer
And you know there may be more
She will love them when she sees them
They will lose her if they follow
And she only means to please them
And her heart is full and hollow
Like a cactus tree
While she’s so busy being free