My goal is to have a permeable wall around myself. I’ve gone through so much of life without a wall at all; allowing the emotions and states of being of those around me to directly dictate how I am, how I feel. It’s so hard to continue being myself to continue living from my “soft spot” when I’m concerned about everything and everyone else around me. How do I hold my ground, empathize and interact with the world around me without letting it over take me?
The permeable wall, that lets in life, without letting all of me go. This will be my ultimate goal. There have been times in life where I’ve mastered it but not often enough. There are so many different places where this will change my entire way of being, it can make me the best version of myself in all instances.
Professionally, being able to let the egos come and go without attaching mine to theirs.
Personally, with close friends and loved ones, being there for them without giving all of myself to the situation.
In relationships, supporting my partner without giving all of myself to the world they live in. To be able, finally, to join our worlds together. To be two full individuals, partnered.
I’m setting my wall, there are days when it’s iron, when I can’t possibly let anything in. There are days when whole sections tumble down and I start from scratch. Maybe sections do need to be stronger than others, maybe this is an ever-evolving wall.
I want to experience the world, I’ll never stop empathizing with those in my life but I’ve finally started letting myself build boundaries in scenarios. I also need to trust in myself, that those that I’m bringing into my life are good. Are souls that I’m ready for, that I’m worthy of and that are worthy of me.
When you start living the life you know you were meant to things get brighter, louder, more fragrant, it amplifies all the good in the world. However, it also amplifies the scary parts. The parts that make my inner child run for cover. “Come on, we’ve always hid from this! This is scary!” she says. “It’s only scary for a moment, just jump in.” says my slightly older self, the one who runs at life with reckless abandon.
But there’s a middle ground there. Where you can be so in on life, so ready to grab on and go for the ride. This leads to pain sometimes, or burn out.
This is where the wall comes in. Balancing the honesty and true feelings on both sides of the coin; of the little girl inside and the reckless optimist.
This wall will allow me to float within life, as part of it, to partake without giving all of myself. To share myself, without vanishing into others or situations.
This permeable wall, will be the best tool I ever create.